Personal Notes: March 3, 2015
I was in Steamboat Springs this past weekend, and while driving to and fro, I had much time to think and reflect. I was listening to music from my current playlist and came across this song by Blue October. It resonated with me…and probably would for many others, also!
All my life, I’ve been running from a pain in me.
A feeling I don’t understand, is holding me down.
TODAY, I don’t have to fall apart. I don’t have to let the damage consume me, my shadow see through me cause…
FEAR in itself will reel you in and spit you out…over and over again…
Believe in yourself, and you will walk.
FEAR in itself will use you up and break you down, like you were never enough!
I managed to fall, and now I get back up.
I’m up here, I’m looking at the way down there.
And I’m staring through the “I don’t care”, and it’s staring back at me.
The beauty is, I’m learning how to face my beast.
Starting now to find some peace…and set myself free.
TODAY, I don’t have to fall apart, and I don’t have to be afraid.
JUST FOR TODAY!
“Our deepest FEAR is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest FEAR is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Our playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own FEAR, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
One of my biggest FEARS in life is taking RISKS- letting my guard down and exposing myself to possible vulnerability ! What scares the hell out of me is sitting still with my own feelings and pausing in my discomfort. I guess, deep down I believe that to expose my feelings is to risk exposing my true self. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To place my ideas, my thoughts, and dreams before a crowd is to risk losing them and feeling judged and ridiculed. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. Chained by our self-doubt and cynicism, we become slaves to it. We forfeit our freedom to truly live life.
What can I risk? What fears can I face? Telling myself the truth. Being honest with myself. Committing to reality at all costs. Taking off the masks I wear. Not saying that I agree with someone when I actually don’t. Setting boundaries and saying goodbye to the person that does not respect them. Facing the reality that certain relationships cannot survive without a commitment to change. Accepting all of my quirks and oddities by acknowledging that I am part of the human race- no better or no worse than anyone else. Being vulnerable enough to feel the pain to its bitter end.
A couple of weeks ago, my Mom sent me an article written by Anne Lamott, titled “Have A Little Faith”. It discusses how getting older deepens your belief in goodness and in yourself. It deepens and widens our sense of faith. Especially faith in ourselves- in the conviction that we are loved and chosen. As I get older, I have become more comfortable with not always knowing the answers, and I have been accepting the fact that I can’t change or control the behaviors of others. But I continue to worry so much about what others are thinking about me. My sister and I had this conversation this past weekend, and I have finally come to the conclusion that no one really gives a shit what I’m doing. We all are dealing with our own problems. I’m not the center of the universe. I’m really not that important. So I need to stop believing that people are judging me and talking about me behind my back. Like I’ve said before, it’s not my business what others think of me.
Also as I get older, I don’t see everyone’s faults so clearly as I used to. The “God” of my later years is not interested in my pores, or cellulite, or wrinkles and He hopes that I will stop noticing yours. My vision has blessedly blurred.
I have faith that no matter what happens to me, I will never be beyond help because I have seen family, friends, and acquaintances live with catastrophe and illness. They were beautifully cared for by those who most loved them. Growing up going to church every Sunday has proved to me that when two or more people are gathered together, and they believe in Goodness, they will take care of those in their “community” who are suffering, scared, and lonely. I currently experience this first-hand. Whether it’s my Sunday morning MoFo fitness class or a program I attend where people fighting with the same illness sit together, share their struggles and experiences, and heal through the power of compassionate listening and graciousness. These people will help me come through to whatever awaits!
I am also learning to forgive myself for most of my disappointing character traits and for questionable, self-sabotaging decisions I make. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the CEO of a fashion label or a Victoria’s Secret model. This side of the grave, I will be absent-minded and have my “blond moments”. I can laugh at myself. And laughter leads to more LOVING feelings. And, as we age, we can now laugh at ourselves more sweetly!
Laughter and LOVE, the two key ingredients I need to live a good life. LOVE can create agony and ecstasy. Love can be crazy, wild, and yet calmly comforting. Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being A Wallflower, says “We accept the love we think we deserve.” So our ability to love someone else, starts with how much we love ourselves. So true! And self love does not have to be narcisistic, just a strong sense of self. Love is complicated. When we love hard, we risk falling hard, and it could take the heart years to overcome love lost. Love helps to build us up and break us down. It’s the hardest thing to master and the easiest thing to misplace or take for granted. And yet sometimes it’s right before us, disguised as anger or ignorance. There are no greater words than to hear “I Love You”. Perhaps we don’t say it enough to those we love!