I Sit In Silence -

“There is something noble in the spirits of those who battle death, who cling to life. We are all moved by their struggle…”

I have been working out to this song that has great hidden truths in its lyrics.

I ponder of something great

My lungs will fill and then deflate.

They fill with fire, exhale desire

I know it’s dire, my time today.

I have these thoughts, so often I ought

To replace that slot, with what I once bought

‘Cause somebody stole my car radio

And now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent.

I find it hard to hide it.

My pride is no longer inside

It’s on my sleeve, my skin will scream

Reminding me of who I killed inside my dream.

I hate this car that I’m driving

There’s no hiding for me.

I’m forced to deal with what I feel

There is no distraction to mask what is real.

I could pull the steering wheel.

I ponder of something terrifying

‘Cause this time there’s nothing to hide behind.

I find over the course of our human existence

One thing consists of consistence.

And it’s that we’re all battling fear.

Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here.

Oh my-too deep.

Please stop thinking,

I liked it better when my car had sound.

– Car Radio/Twenty One Pilots –

Today I am stripped of my normal barriers, my means to NUMB have been taken away from me. So now I have to sit with my feelings, in silence. With nothing to remove me from my thoughts, I actually have to FEEL again. Somewhere along the way, and often with good reason, I learned to fear putting my feelings out in the open. As if my true feelings would not survive the gaze of others. I often hesitate revealing who I truly am, as if my imperfections are unique ONLY to me. Why do I feel the need to have to portray a “perfect package’ to the world? When in revealing what I so easily hide, would actually make me much more human and approachable.

It’s much easier to close the door on old, painful memories. Close the door on old hurts, embarrassments, and shame. I love running from myself!!! It’s a hobby of mine and the greatest way to avoid controversy or self-reflection. Throughout most of my life I was tortured by feelings of inadequacy. Obsessed with trying to be someone else, anybody else, as long as it wasn’t myself. I had major sensitivity to criticism, and I desperately depended on sources outside of myself to give me a sense of security, control, and self-worth. I needed to alter myself in some form or another to escape reality- to escape myself. We can, in the snap of a guarded moment- in the wince of an unexpected hurt, be a mountain away from what we truly feel. It’s so easy to push away and cover up uncomfortable feelings. But how do we feel our pain of living, without denying it and without letting the pain define us? Ultimately, no matter the burden we are given- cancer, abuse, depression, addiction- once exposed, we are faced with a never-ending choice… to become the wound or to heal!

Sometimes I think, how am I supposed to be happy when everything I ever want comes with a price? The one thing in life I thought made me happiest, that brought me the most excitement and joy…is now my worst enemy! It totally fucking sucks! I must now live in the present, raw and exposed, and slowly learn to enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind. To those who have only known excitement, depression, anxiety, manic highs to manic lows, extreme euphoria to crippling despair…this newfound peace is a PRICELESS GIFT! I can only do so much running and hiding before my true self desperately needs to be found. Learning to love myself is not an easy task, but one I must improve upon in order to live a fulfilling life.

I must learn to let go! Have a mind that is open, a body and soul willing to withstand raw emotion, and a heart that is thankful to receive love. Too often, feeling alone and lonely, we close our eyes to the wonders of the world. Just for today, I will look for reasons to shout out for joy! Just for today, I will look for the beauty in myself and in others.