My love of fashion is obviously the motivating factor behind the creation of my blog. But, the freedom to write openly about more personal matters holds dear to me, and is an added bonus!  My blog gives me a platform to express myself- it gives me the voice I am too scared to use in everyday life.

  Personal photo taken of graffiti art in back alleys of Barcelona

This is for those of you who have been touched by addiction of any kind.  Whether it be your own struggles or those of a family member or friend, it takes GUTS to overcome such a powerful force in one’s life.  In simplest terms, an addict makes a deal with the devil!  Is your instant escape and euphoric pleasure worth the suffocating grip this disease has on you?  It doesn’t let go until you’ve reached the dark depths of hell.

To Whom It May Concern:

To all those who come in contact with me, I wish you and your family shame, humiliation, and intense suffering.  With your involuntary co-operation, I bring you hell on earth.

Allow me to introduce myself.  I am the ancient disease of addiction.  I am rightfully called cunning, baffling, and powerful- but this is a gross underestimation of me.  I have killed millions of men, women, and children in ways that absolutely defy the imagination.  Most often I slowly drown your soul before grinding down your wasted body.  I gleefully ruin your reputation, self-concept, and self-esteem.  I specialize in marital, family, and child trauma.  I leave them all with anxiety and fear.  My commitment to you and your loved ones’ destruction is absolute.

I am the absolute master of disguise and seduction.  I mask myself as your lover, your best friend, and your “ace in the hole”.  With great stealth I invade your rationality.  I initially seduce you with instant gratification, a feeling of peace, and a feeling of belonging.   I pose as being able to help you cope better and help you more easily relate to others.  I present myself as needed “fuel” for your creativity and your social and intellectual ability.  I make you feel painfully inadequate without me. Toward the end, you will consider dying if you must be separated from me.

I am perfect and breathtaking in my pursuit of your mind, body, and soul.  I am more powerful than your love and commitment to friends, family, partner, and freedom.  You will compromise every decent value you have, to serve me.  I have established myself a velvet throne within your brain.  I have imprisoned the real you.  From now on your actions will mirror my malignance.  I will become your flesh.

I never grow weak.  I never sleep.  I know where your weakest point is.  I tempt and taunt you!  I hate anyone or anything that has the audacity to challenge my ownership of you.  I will rage and fight bitterly to keep you.  If possible, I will kill you rather than let you be possessed by your real self again.  I use you to defend me against those that try to help you.  Such audacity is mine alone!

I am known as being jealous and demanding.  You will offer all of you to me as I dictate.  You will lie, steal, cheat, scam, assault, and humiliate yourself and others in order to serve me.  You will believe in your own lies.  I absolutely will not tolerate the disobedience of my subjects.  You might try to make pathetic attempts to run away from me again…and again.  But you can never run fast enough.  I control you completely and am never satisfied with the extent of the corruption I cause within you.  I want MORE…I want it NOW, and I won’t stop shrieking in the back of your mind until I get it.

I refuse to be moderated by you in any way.  24 hours a day, until your untimely death, I refuse to make “deals” with you.  I am triumphant and pure in my malignance and destruction.  I will not answer to you.  I will not consult you.  I will never, ever ask for your opinion or permission.  Let me make this clear- you will forsake all other things, people, and places for me.  I am relentless in my quest for you!  I can torment you for decades.  Of this be sure- as long as you live, I will exist.

Foolish people do not take me seriously.  This is fine with me- ignorance allows me to flourish unchallenged.  I am a disease of the mind, body, character, and soul.  The success of my corruption lies within your ignorance of who I am and what I do.  I whisper lies into your mind with a furious consistency.  I make your enemies your friends…and your friends your enemies.

Your understanding of me is bound up in your shame.  I make you defensive and angry.  I make you feel self-pity  that “no one understands you”.  I make you believe in your own lies.  I make you alone even in the midst of your own friends and family.  Suicide is the only option I won’t deny you!
I am underestimated.  Listen now…I CAUSE PAIN, pain does not cause me!  Actually, I come to you in the form of genetics.  You are born with me, and I come alive with the exposure to drugs and alcohol.  People confuse me with an elective disease.  This philosophy keeps you in shame and within my grasp.  I will own your life and gleefully engineer your death.  I am the source of your moral and spiritual poverty.

I take the young and the old; the wealthy and the poor; the moralists, the achievers, and the intellectuals; and those of HIGH WILLPOWER are the ones that I enjoy the most!  I take it all!  I’m an equal opportunity destroyer.

Now hear me well.  Stay away from any loathsome 12-step program.  Stay away from your spirituality and “Higher Power”.  I will always fight them.  I warn you- if you abandon me for them and for freedom, I will wait for you to make a mistake, to be at your most vulnerable.  And then I will return you to your ragged, tumbling hell.  I don’t forgive. You have been warned.  Until then, I wish you misery, suffering, and death.


Your Addiction

It takes GUTS to fight your addiction.  It takes GUTS to build inner strength to fight your fears, to surrender control, and to let go of impossible expectations.  SURRENDER opens a door.  And it is with this surrender (without knowing what might come next) that allows our lives to TRULY UNFOLD.

Sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak
And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you.
And get that motivation to not give up.
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse…
This is your moment (and every single minute you spend trying to hold onto it),
Cause you may never get it again…
I will not fall, I will stand tall.
Feels like no one can beat me.

-Eminem/”Till I Collapse”

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